he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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