3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
