:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I can feel your judgement through the phone
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
