I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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