I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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