Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
