we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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