I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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