My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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