Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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