Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
