Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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