I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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