I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
