my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
