a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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