He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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