Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
