What a fucking waste of an outfit
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
