i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
