she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
