i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
