I like to think it a success when the cops are called
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
