and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
