First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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