You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
