you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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