My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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