I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
