if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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