I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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