Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
