anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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