Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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