so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
