No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
