I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
