So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
