My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
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I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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