He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just puked most of my soul out..
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
