I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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