Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
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You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
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the night was just a blur of sex and pie
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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