is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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