he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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