is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
