I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
