i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
