I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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