I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
