You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
