What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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