i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
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I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
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New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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