Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
