dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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